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Wendover Project 2015, Paul Butler

Candid photo by, Nic Adams

Some experiences take a long time to fully process. I've been wanting to write about this art project I was fortunate enough to participate in in September of 2015. I've wanted to write about it many times. I'm still not sure I have adequate words to describe how this one day last Fall impacted my life.

Paul Butler is an artist out of Ogden, Utah. A friend tagged me in his Facebook post asking for models to drive out to the Salt Flats by Wendover, Nevada and let themselves be painted and photographed. He has a vision of helping women to see beauty in their being beyond what society shows us. To quote Paul, "Our bodies are beautiful - no measures or scales are necessary - we exist - we are beautiful." After scrolling through the photographs and articles of past year's projects I was sold. I asked for my name to be added to the list of models. Besides Paul, and his assistant, everyone involved was female. The painters, the helpers, the additional photographers. No men were allowed on 'set.'

I had never been involved in a large scale photo shoot and project like this before. I had no idea what to expect. There was a lot of standing around, getting lost, not being able to hear (That is a personal issue as I have slight hearing loss in one of my ears.), being hungry and thirsty, sweating from places I literally had never felt sweat drip from before, laughing, chatting, and being naked. It was a long day and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Why? The lessons I learned about myself and human bodies in general changed my life forever. 

We first took photographs clothed. Easy. I love being photographed. We then went back to the main staging area and were asked to disrobe. That's when I became a little hesitant. If you can believe it I wasn't sure what the right way to disrobe was. I'm laughing at myself right now remembering that. Should I take my top off first because breasts aren't as private as vaginas? Should I undress slowly so that nobody thought I thought too highly of myself by ripping my clothes off and daring to be totally comfortable in my bare skin? I snuck quick looks around me to make sure I was "doing it right." I really hope you're laughing right now. The point was to get naked, stay naked, and be photographed naked to show beauty and confidence in every body, and here I was trying to make sure I was doing naked right.

Candid photo by, Nic Adams

What I realized in those moments of undressing was that I wasn't as secure in my own skin as I thought I was. I signed up for this. I knew I was safe. Fact of the matter was that I had never been that exposed in front of anyone in my life. I had been naked before. I had been naked in front of friends and lovers. This was different. This is where I'm afraid my words are going to fail me. This was something bigger than me. I wasn't going to get sex out of this. I wasn't with my best friends who were going to put clothes on immediately. This was being truly naked, in nature, with strangers. This was a powerful lesson.

The clothing we wear day to day is a kind of glamour, armor, costume, mirage, message. I had never realized how important and comforting clothing was to me until that point. Until that moment I had not considered my clothing that big of a statement of my life. From my perspective I'm a pretty classic jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. In the summer I can be found in a tank top, shorts and flip flops almost exclusively. Dressing up and wearing makeup are very low on my list of fun things, unless they involve cosplay. As I stood there in my bare skin I realized that nobody knew anything about me. Nobody knew I was laid back and relaxed. The way I dress is much more intentional than I had understood. I want to be approachable. I do not want people to think, by my clothing, that I'm stuck up or think I'm better than them. There I was without that message and I didn't know what to do.

Soon I realized that I had covered my body with religious garments for most of my adult life and that that clothing also sent a message to others. By choosing clothing that covered my body in certain ways, I was not just sending the message to God that I was keeping my covenants with him, I was sending a message to those I encountered that I was 'good'. "Look at me. I cover my body this way and that means I'm nice, clean, healthy, righteous, safe, a good mom and wife, etc." "I'm one of you" or possibly, "I'm different than you."

There was also the message I was sending myself. In order to be 'good' I had to cover my body. The promise was that my body would remain covered by the religious garments twenty-four hours a day. They were not to be removed (there are exceptions). I had not fully realized until that moment that what I had internalized was that my body needed to stay hidden in order to be 'good.' That if my shoulders, stomach, or upper thighs, etc. were showing that I was not 'good.' In order to be in good standing with God I must cover my body. If my body was uncovered I was not in good standing with God and everyone knew it just by looking at me.

Clothing says a lot. We may think we're laid back and not caught up in trends. That may be true. Our clothing choices, whether intricate and labor intensive or sweats and a ponytail, still represent who we are to the world. Whether we want to admit it or not, we make judgements about people based on the way they choose to present themselves. People judge me based on the way I present myself. I've always known that and hated it, however, the true power of clothing did not resonate with me until that day.

I quickly got over my initial, "Am I naked in the right way," concerns and then focused my anxiety on not looking at anyone. Of course I was curious. I absolutely wanted to know what other women really look like. I did not want to be staring at everyone's vaginas and breasts though. I either looked at their foreheads, past them, or at the ground. I was so afraid of being a pervert that I intentionally made myself unapproachable. Again, I really hope you're laughing at this. I am.

The first couple of shots were everyone in a line with paper bags over our heads and then with masks on. No paint. Just our naked bodies. I did not get to talk to Paul Butler about why he had us do this. Someone mentioned that it was to take our faces away. Most of us are comfortable with our faces being beautiful, even if that means applying makeup daily. This way the focus was on our bodies. I loved the idea. What was amazing is that when those shots were done I had lost all inhibitions about being naked myself and everyone else being naked. From the moment the masks were taken away I rarely thought about accidentally staring someone in the vagina. I just was. They just were. Done. That easy.

Candid photo by, Nic Adams

I caught glimpses of all kinds of bodies. Cellulite, scars, insulin pumps, bruises, bones, skinny bodies, fat bodies, short bodies, tall bodies. Bodies. That's all they were. Bodies. And then, they became more. They became people. As I talked to the women around me they became nurses, teachers, students, bankers, people. They were people. Simple, complex, people. By taking away the messages of their clothing people were able to tell me who they were without as many preconceived notions. Obviously there was still hair, makeup, tattoos, piercing, etc. Those are second nature to me. Maybe not to others but they can write their own blog post.

I walked away from this project counting down the days until the next one and wishing we could completely cut clothing out of our lives. The experience was freeing not only for my self image but for my feelings towards other's bodies. I then remembered that sweat and sitting are a major part of life and decided that I like clothing, I just wish we had more widely accepted opportunities to bare our bodies and learn to love the human form in all its varieties. I have a greater appreciation of women and their bodies. I finally saw for myself, on a bigger scale, that naked bodies aren't necessarily sexual. They can be if we want them to be. If we don't, they can simply be the fleshy vessel that our souls walk around in. They can even be art.

Find Paul Butler here: https://www.facebook.com/paulbutlerphotographyworldwide/

Raw

Raw, by Alisa May
Acrylic on Canvas, 16x20

"You need to grow thicker skin." Oh, the amount of times I've heard that. It's just about the most insensitive, yet necessary, advice out there. I don't take issue with the message, at least not the way I've come to incorporate it in my life. It's vital to survival in this world. The delivery is usually done harshly and without validating what the other person is going through emotionally. Asking someone to deny or hide what they are experiencing can be harmful and demoralizing.

The message has come in different packages throughout my life. When I was a kid playing in the neighborhood and got tackled by the boys during touch football, because I was a girl, I was told, "Stop crying. If you're going to play with the boys you're going to get hurt." I knew at the time that I was being singled out. I didn't understand why, I just knew that they weren't tacking each other, only me. I could have used some constructive advice on how to deal with the situation. That did not happen.

When I tried out to be a cheerleader in eighth grade, and the then current cheerleaders were pointing at me and laughing during tryouts because I was missing my two front teeth, the woman in charge said that she knew those girls and there's no way they would have been doing that. She was not present when it happened. No adults were. I was asking for an opportunity to try out again for her, instead of the girls that were making fun of me. I received the message loud and clear. It was all in my head and I needed to get over it because she wasn't going to do anything about it.

Slowly I learned what I needed to do to survive emotionally in specific situations as they arose. For instance, I stopped playing in the neighborhood and spent most of my time inside with my grandma. When my teeth became an issue, I blocked out the name calling. "Toothless," was the taunters favorite. I learned to stop my facial and body reactions when someone called it in the school hallways. Then, when I became a cheerleader in High School and our Varsity Football players would sit in front of me in the stands at away games and point and laugh, I would smile and cheer like they weren't making fun of me. These emotional band aids helped for those situations. I wasn't learning actual healthy coping skills that I could apply broadly, just small fixes for incredibly specific circumstances. Those fixes included hiding myself or denying my emotions to make sure others did not hurt me.

As an adult I've encountered some incredibly unhealthy people. Even within my family. When I spoke to an elder in my family about sexual assault from another family member, I was told to forgive the person and that I should have no problems being around them myself, or allowing my children to be around them. Similar message from my childhood. Different delivery. As though setting boundaries to protect myself and my children was being too emotional about the situation. "Toughen up. That was a long time ago."

Then, as I was recovering from Domestic Violence, I was told by many people to have, "thicker skin." "Stop letting that person get to you." Recovering from Domestic Violence (and Sexual Assault/Trauma of any kind) is a topic for another post. For now, I'll just say that it's not as easy as just "getting over it." It takes focused, concerted effort for long periods of time to truly recover from the booby traps and lies they embed in the psyche. As I tried to force myself not to react to continuing abuse, I started beating myself up for not being able to just let the actions and words, "roll off my back."

It's those feelings of inadequacy and rawness that inspired this piece. I often wondered how I could have thicker skin when I barely felt like I had skin at all. I felt completely exposed. Mind, body, and soul. Like every nerve, muscle, organ, cell was right out there for anyone to contaminate and hurt. In order to fake having thicker skin I tried to be emotionless. That was a disaster. I ended up making myself physically ill. By trying to board up my deep emotional well I was denying my true emotional self.

I am incredibly fortunate to have a therapist who has extensive knowledge and practice both with survivors and perpetrators. She helped me understand that it wasn't about not feeling. Emotions come and go. Emotions have their own path. My body, mind and soul are going to react. That reaction is not "bad." It is not anything other than a natural reaction. How I choose to move forward with that reaction is what I have control over. This was the key I needed to unlock long term healing and understanding. I'm not weak for having a PTSD episode from a trigger. That is not weakness, it is a built in safety mechanism from our early ancestors. I am not weak for crying when I'm hurt. It's how I choose to use that natural reaction in my life that will either harm me, or others, or help me heal.

So, now when I hear, "Toughen up," or "Grow thicker skin," or "Just let it roll of your back," or, "You should be over this by now," or, "Why is this still affecting you," I change the meaning of those statements to something healthier for me. In fact, those statements only helped push me further into shame and anxiety. Now, I know that I will react. I will react in a major way sometimes. I don't have to act on that natural reaction or assign blame or harm to it. I can let it run it's course and use my many coping skills to stay as healthy as possible while it's trying to protect me from further harm. Ain't no thang. Just a chemical reaction in my body. I ain't worried about it.

Sometimes I will be raw. Sometimes I will have thick skin. I will always be me.

How do you allow your emotions to work in your life for a healthier you?

Nourish

Nourish, by Alisa May
Acrylic on Canvas, 20x16

I have struggled with disordered eating and body image issues for most of my life. At the beautiful age of thirty-eight I have once again found love for myself and my body. How did I go from believing I was unlovable, and needed extensive plastic surgery to find a partner, to being able to stand naked on the Salt Flats and then sit for a boudoir photo shoot? It wasn't easy and it took years of soul searching and hard work.

After urgent surgery a few years ago, to remove my infected gall bladder and appendix, I spent a lot of time naked to cut down on pain from clothing pulling at my stitches. I saw myself naked in my reflections all over the house. There were mirrors everywhere. I got to know my body again. I got to appreciate the feel of my body again.

 Em Parker Photography

I have cellulite all over my legs and fanny. My breasts are no longer the perky, full C-cups of my youth. My stomach actually sticks out from my body now. I'm curvy, saggy, squishy, covered in stretch marks, bruises and scars and I love it. I love every inch of it. I spend as much time naked as possible. When my kids are at my house I wear clothes. When they are gone I keep a robe by my bed, for possible necessities, and enjoy being in my own skin.

Going along with this, I do as much getting ready for the day naked as I can. I don't immediately throw on clothes after my shower. I keep my door locked and my music on and I dance and sing while drying my hair, brushing my teeth, etc. I have a private, jiggly, dance/karaoke party just for me.

I have cut out all magazines. I love fashion, photography, modeling, and make up. I do not love seeing photoshopped, unrealistic women. It's harmful to my well being. I also do not enjoy reading unhealthy perspectives on weight, sex, womanhood, relationships, etc. I diligently monitor what media comes into my life. This same perspective goes for social media. The moment a site, or someone I follow, starts me down a path of self doubt I unfollow it. That's the beauty of our time. There are millions of outlets and people to follow that can build us up. I find those and fill my feeds with them.

I have stopped shaming myself for the food and drinks I consume. If I want a cookie, or even a pan of cookies, I will eat it guilt free. If I feel like a soda today, I go for it. By detaching guilt from food I have opened myself up to actually eating healthier. I drink more water than any other beverage now. That is a huge change. I used to run on soda. The moment I detached guilt, I stopped using food to emotionally, either punish or soothe, myself. This hasn't changed my weight or body shape, however, it has changed my interaction with food and helped me feel better about my body.

Candid Photo by Nic Adams at the Wendover Project with
Photographer Paul Butler

I wear whatever I want. I'm done trying to fit into what other people think I should be. I'm a mom so I'm expected to dress a certain way. I'm in my late thirties so I have to stop wearing certain things. No thank you. Comfort is key for me so even if I'm dressing up for an event I will make sure I'm comfortable. My "Sunday Best" or "Dress Attire" is going to look different and I'm okay with that. I also don't cover my body because I'm supposed to. If I want to wear something revealing, I do. If the day calls for sweats, so be it. Turns out all those memes were right. If you want a bikini body, you put a bikini on your body. Done and done.

I've gotten quite a few more tattoos and piercings recently. Every time I modify my body I feel more comfortable in it. I already love it. I'm not changing it to make myself love it. It's a feeling of completion when I add a new piece. Like, "Oh. That feel right." As if the pieces were missing and I'm replacing them.

Cat Palmer Photography

I've started taking pictures of myself constantly. It started with selfies for profile pics and then more  full body photos of my outfits started happening. At one point I decided that I wanted to see if I could take sexy photos so I tried, and it turns out that what 'they' say is true. It's all about the angle, lighting, and filters. I also stopped caring so much about the majority of photos I post. If I was on a dating site I would be very picky, and I still am careful with my professional photos. Other than that, I post photos where I look ridiculous because I was having fun in that moment. Especially when I'm with my kids. Having fun and capturing that fun trumps looking good. That's life. Sometimes you look like a million bucks, and sometimes you look like you barely stumbled out of bed. I want to love myself in all those moments.


I started doing photo shoots. My friend Emily Parker has called me up and asked for me to come sit for an idea she has had. The first one with someone I didn't know was the Wendover Project with Paul Butler. I have a whole post to write about that particular experience. That is where I met Cat Palmer and have watched for her specials. I have done a Wonder Woman cosplay shoot and a boudoir shoot with her. I have loved all of these experiences. Not everyone is going to have the money to do this. I'm grateful that I have had the opportunity. It's my body in art which speaks to me on an even deeper level. I've even worked on being more artistic in my cosplay shots. It's finding different aspects of myself that the photographer picks up that I am unaware of. It's eye opening to see myself from someone else's perspective.

Cat Palmer Photography

I started painting my body. Using my body in my art. This piece focused on the nourishing aspects of my beautiful body. There are many more planned. It's one more way to appreciate this vessel I inhabit. It does not always reflect who I am, however, it is beautiful and I would like to honor it's beauty.

There is no one right way, or quick fix, to overcoming self destructive habits and thoughts. I cannot stress enough the amount of work that I have put into loving every aspect of myself. It's been a terrifying process at times. It's still a daily endeavor. I also recognize that the things that help me, may not help you. I love talking about all the different ways we find to love ourselves. The more we talk about it, the more ideas we'll come up with. What are some habits/thought processes you've added or subtracted from your life that have helped you find health and happiness?

What's This?

What's This?, by Alisa May
Acrylic on Canvas, 30x40

Last year I made a vision wall. My head was swimming with so many goals and ideas that a board wouldn't hold it. So I filled a wall. I decided to add relationship goals. I didn't list any physical attributes of my future partner. No social standings, job, etc. I described how I wanted to feel in the relationship. Words like: safe, comfortable, free, stable, joy, passion, etc. Then out of the blue Bear showed up. We both knew something explosive was at hand but assumed it was just a really good weekend if you know what I'm sayin'. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Together we have worked through some pretty heavy emotional baggage. We have a hefty 'his and her's' set. I got scared and I broke up with him. Twice. While I wish I hadn't hurt him with the break ups they gave both of us time to figure out what we want, what we are ready for, who we want to be as individuals, and what our two whole parts could offer to each other as a couple. When we decided to date again after the second break up we started on a much stabler foundation. We were committed to giving our all. To not running when the fear of the past came surging through our brains. Or, maybe I should say, I did. He had his own set of things to deal with.

This meme picture, and the advertisement for the book it's referencing (which I have not read), have come across my Facebook feed many times over the last year or so. Each time I see it I react to it. At first I shouted, "Everyone is broken! Every single person. No one knows how to love." As I have opened myself up to healing from my extremely unhealthy marriage and upbringing, and turned my attention to healthy boundaries, (As opposed to entrenched, impenetrable walls with every type of weaponry imaginable to protect it.) and spent as much time as possible digging through the mess and chaos in my mind and soul, I found that over time the message changed.

Sometimes when I saw the image I would say, "Well, maybe I haven't had the healthiest people in my life, but I guess it's not impossible to imagine that real, authentic love could exist." Other times when I was angry or self loathing I might think, "Something must be wrong with me to keep attracting people into my life who do not know how to love." That was some messed up thinking, by the way. I didn't choose my parents or my family. How could I possibly take the blame for attracting them into my life? That's one of my bags that I'm working on unpacking.

Even more time passed and more healing happened and I started accepting the truth of the message. We are broken. All of us. Every single person is flawed, emotionally, in some way. What I've finally come to understand is that that's okay. That's what makes humanity beautiful. That's what makes us relatable and able to reach out and actually make deep connections with each other. That certainly does not mean that we allow hurt people to hurt us (Remember - Healthy Boundaries), it simply means there is no one, right way to be human or to be loved. No perfect person and no perfect relationship.

When I finally opened my heart to the possibility of love (which culminated in the vision wall) I felt raw, awkward, off balance, and totally and completely vulnerable. That's the place that this piece came from. I felt like my heart was foreign to me. Like I was trying to fit it in my rib cage but it just would not fit. In my mind I saw an organ transplant and the need for constant medication in order for the body not to reject the new organ. Where could I find medication to stop myself from rejecting my own heart? Was this my heart? Sure felt weird.

Time. Time and patience. Time, patience and diligent work on unpacking my emotional baggage. It wasn't easy. I'm glad I stuck with it. I'm glad I fought the good fight and came out victorious. Not only because I grew as an individual and was able to love myself more by opening myself up to vulnerability. I also opened myself up to a relationship that I could have never imagined possible. One where I can be totally and completely me. Where all my beautiful muchness and all of my flaws can live without judgement and fear. Where I can (Slowly. I'm not perfect.) allow my partner the same freedom. Healthy love does exist. We have to be healthy enough to receive and to give it, and when that happens, we will start to see it all around us.

xoxo Alisa May

ps. Welcome to the blog. Thanks for stopping by. It's been revamped and resurrected from the dust. Kind of a fitting time, don't you think? Got rid of all the old posts. I'll be posting about art, pain and the healing process.

pps. I posted this painting for the first time with the following description: "#selfportrait Pulled my heart out of cold storage and tbh I'm not sure what to do with it."

ppps. The meme image is from: "Warrior Goddess Training, Become the Woman You Are Meant to Be," by Heather Ash Amara