Nourish

Nourish, by Alisa May
Acrylic on Canvas, 20x16

I have struggled with disordered eating and body image issues for most of my life. At the beautiful age of thirty-eight I have once again found love for myself and my body. How did I go from believing I was unlovable, and needed extensive plastic surgery to find a partner, to being able to stand naked on the Salt Flats and then sit for a boudoir photo shoot? It wasn't easy and it took years of soul searching and hard work.

After urgent surgery a few years ago, to remove my infected gall bladder and appendix, I spent a lot of time naked to cut down on pain from clothing pulling at my stitches. I saw myself naked in my reflections all over the house. There were mirrors everywhere. I got to know my body again. I got to appreciate the feel of my body again.

 Em Parker Photography

I have cellulite all over my legs and fanny. My breasts are no longer the perky, full C-cups of my youth. My stomach actually sticks out from my body now. I'm curvy, saggy, squishy, covered in stretch marks, bruises and scars and I love it. I love every inch of it. I spend as much time naked as possible. When my kids are at my house I wear clothes. When they are gone I keep a robe by my bed, for possible necessities, and enjoy being in my own skin.

Going along with this, I do as much getting ready for the day naked as I can. I don't immediately throw on clothes after my shower. I keep my door locked and my music on and I dance and sing while drying my hair, brushing my teeth, etc. I have a private, jiggly, dance/karaoke party just for me.

I have cut out all magazines. I love fashion, photography, modeling, and make up. I do not love seeing photoshopped, unrealistic women. It's harmful to my well being. I also do not enjoy reading unhealthy perspectives on weight, sex, womanhood, relationships, etc. I diligently monitor what media comes into my life. This same perspective goes for social media. The moment a site, or someone I follow, starts me down a path of self doubt I unfollow it. That's the beauty of our time. There are millions of outlets and people to follow that can build us up. I find those and fill my feeds with them.

I have stopped shaming myself for the food and drinks I consume. If I want a cookie, or even a pan of cookies, I will eat it guilt free. If I feel like a soda today, I go for it. By detaching guilt from food I have opened myself up to actually eating healthier. I drink more water than any other beverage now. That is a huge change. I used to run on soda. The moment I detached guilt, I stopped using food to emotionally, either punish or soothe, myself. This hasn't changed my weight or body shape, however, it has changed my interaction with food and helped me feel better about my body.

Candid Photo by Nic Adams at the Wendover Project with
Photographer Paul Butler

I wear whatever I want. I'm done trying to fit into what other people think I should be. I'm a mom so I'm expected to dress a certain way. I'm in my late thirties so I have to stop wearing certain things. No thank you. Comfort is key for me so even if I'm dressing up for an event I will make sure I'm comfortable. My "Sunday Best" or "Dress Attire" is going to look different and I'm okay with that. I also don't cover my body because I'm supposed to. If I want to wear something revealing, I do. If the day calls for sweats, so be it. Turns out all those memes were right. If you want a bikini body, you put a bikini on your body. Done and done.

I've gotten quite a few more tattoos and piercings recently. Every time I modify my body I feel more comfortable in it. I already love it. I'm not changing it to make myself love it. It's a feeling of completion when I add a new piece. Like, "Oh. That feel right." As if the pieces were missing and I'm replacing them.

Cat Palmer Photography

I've started taking pictures of myself constantly. It started with selfies for profile pics and then more  full body photos of my outfits started happening. At one point I decided that I wanted to see if I could take sexy photos so I tried, and it turns out that what 'they' say is true. It's all about the angle, lighting, and filters. I also stopped caring so much about the majority of photos I post. If I was on a dating site I would be very picky, and I still am careful with my professional photos. Other than that, I post photos where I look ridiculous because I was having fun in that moment. Especially when I'm with my kids. Having fun and capturing that fun trumps looking good. That's life. Sometimes you look like a million bucks, and sometimes you look like you barely stumbled out of bed. I want to love myself in all those moments.


I started doing photo shoots. My friend Emily Parker has called me up and asked for me to come sit for an idea she has had. The first one with someone I didn't know was the Wendover Project with Paul Butler. I have a whole post to write about that particular experience. That is where I met Cat Palmer and have watched for her specials. I have done a Wonder Woman cosplay shoot and a boudoir shoot with her. I have loved all of these experiences. Not everyone is going to have the money to do this. I'm grateful that I have had the opportunity. It's my body in art which speaks to me on an even deeper level. I've even worked on being more artistic in my cosplay shots. It's finding different aspects of myself that the photographer picks up that I am unaware of. It's eye opening to see myself from someone else's perspective.

Cat Palmer Photography

I started painting my body. Using my body in my art. This piece focused on the nourishing aspects of my beautiful body. There are many more planned. It's one more way to appreciate this vessel I inhabit. It does not always reflect who I am, however, it is beautiful and I would like to honor it's beauty.

There is no one right way, or quick fix, to overcoming self destructive habits and thoughts. I cannot stress enough the amount of work that I have put into loving every aspect of myself. It's been a terrifying process at times. It's still a daily endeavor. I also recognize that the things that help me, may not help you. I love talking about all the different ways we find to love ourselves. The more we talk about it, the more ideas we'll come up with. What are some habits/thought processes you've added or subtracted from your life that have helped you find health and happiness?

What's This?

What's This?, by Alisa May
Acrylic on Canvas, 30x40

Last year I made a vision wall. My head was swimming with so many goals and ideas that a board wouldn't hold it. So I filled a wall. I decided to add relationship goals. I didn't list any physical attributes of my future partner. No social standings, job, etc. I described how I wanted to feel in the relationship. Words like: safe, comfortable, free, stable, joy, passion, etc. Then out of the blue Bear showed up. We both knew something explosive was at hand but assumed it was just a really good weekend if you know what I'm sayin'. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Together we have worked through some pretty heavy emotional baggage. We have a hefty 'his and her's' set. I got scared and I broke up with him. Twice. While I wish I hadn't hurt him with the break ups they gave both of us time to figure out what we want, what we are ready for, who we want to be as individuals, and what our two whole parts could offer to each other as a couple. When we decided to date again after the second break up we started on a much stabler foundation. We were committed to giving our all. To not running when the fear of the past came surging through our brains. Or, maybe I should say, I did. He had his own set of things to deal with.

This meme picture, and the advertisement for the book it's referencing (which I have not read), have come across my Facebook feed many times over the last year or so. Each time I see it I react to it. At first I shouted, "Everyone is broken! Every single person. No one knows how to love." As I have opened myself up to healing from my extremely unhealthy marriage and upbringing, and turned my attention to healthy boundaries, (As opposed to entrenched, impenetrable walls with every type of weaponry imaginable to protect it.) and spent as much time as possible digging through the mess and chaos in my mind and soul, I found that over time the message changed.

Sometimes when I saw the image I would say, "Well, maybe I haven't had the healthiest people in my life, but I guess it's not impossible to imagine that real, authentic love could exist." Other times when I was angry or self loathing I might think, "Something must be wrong with me to keep attracting people into my life who do not know how to love." That was some messed up thinking, by the way. I didn't choose my parents or my family. How could I possibly take the blame for attracting them into my life? That's one of my bags that I'm working on unpacking.

Even more time passed and more healing happened and I started accepting the truth of the message. We are broken. All of us. Every single person is flawed, emotionally, in some way. What I've finally come to understand is that that's okay. That's what makes humanity beautiful. That's what makes us relatable and able to reach out and actually make deep connections with each other. That certainly does not mean that we allow hurt people to hurt us (Remember - Healthy Boundaries), it simply means there is no one, right way to be human or to be loved. No perfect person and no perfect relationship.

When I finally opened my heart to the possibility of love (which culminated in the vision wall) I felt raw, awkward, off balance, and totally and completely vulnerable. That's the place that this piece came from. I felt like my heart was foreign to me. Like I was trying to fit it in my rib cage but it just would not fit. In my mind I saw an organ transplant and the need for constant medication in order for the body not to reject the new organ. Where could I find medication to stop myself from rejecting my own heart? Was this my heart? Sure felt weird.

Time. Time and patience. Time, patience and diligent work on unpacking my emotional baggage. It wasn't easy. I'm glad I stuck with it. I'm glad I fought the good fight and came out victorious. Not only because I grew as an individual and was able to love myself more by opening myself up to vulnerability. I also opened myself up to a relationship that I could have never imagined possible. One where I can be totally and completely me. Where all my beautiful muchness and all of my flaws can live without judgement and fear. Where I can (Slowly. I'm not perfect.) allow my partner the same freedom. Healthy love does exist. We have to be healthy enough to receive and to give it, and when that happens, we will start to see it all around us.

xoxo Alisa May

ps. Welcome to the blog. Thanks for stopping by. It's been revamped and resurrected from the dust. Kind of a fitting time, don't you think? Got rid of all the old posts. I'll be posting about art, pain and the healing process.

pps. I posted this painting for the first time with the following description: "#selfportrait Pulled my heart out of cold storage and tbh I'm not sure what to do with it."

ppps. The meme image is from: "Warrior Goddess Training, Become the Woman You Are Meant to Be," by Heather Ash Amara